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A good decent man dies and gets sent to hell. Over there he sees people dancing, great music, sex all over, drink, a true party. But he still doesn't get why he arrived to hell and when the angels check, they realize it was a mistake and they deliver him straight to heaven. Only in heaven he sees only two man, sitting all bored, staring at each other. "I don't understand! How come hell is so great and happening and here it sucks?" he screams for the Lord to hear. "what, you really think that for two-three men I will bring a Dj??" God answers back...
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A guy walks this girl home after a nice first date. All of a sudden, as they stand leaning outside of her house he says: "would you blow me tonight?" the girl, tried to explain that she is looking for something serious and that it is too early for that. He doesn't wanna hear it and they argue for three hours. Suddenly her sister shows up at the window and says: "listen, Dad said that if you don't blow him, I'll blow him, or we'll ask the neighbor to blow him. Only would he get his back away from the intercom and let us sleep already!"
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Two marines are patrolling the streets of Baghdad 5 minutes before curfew. Suddenly one of them raises his weapon and shoots a local Iraqi in the head. The other marine cries out, "Why did you do that?" The shooter answers, "I know where he lives, he would have never made it home on time".
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Yassir visits Oxford University and is surprised to see on campus his old buddy Osama, whom he hasn't met in many years. "I didn't know you're in Oxford, how long have you been here?" Osama says already a few years. Yassir says, "way to go, when will you be done?" "I still have the bathroom in the first floor and that's it for today".
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Jack returns home from war without his right arm that he lost in battle. He feels really bad and after a few days he decides to commit suicide. As he goes on the rooftop of a 20-story building, he sees a man with no arms dancing and jumping up and down. All puzzled, Jack asks him "how come you're so happy and jumping around while I want to kill myself?" The man answer, "Who's happy? A bee just stung me in the ass".
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A wife tells her hubby, "From now on, every time you want to have sex, pull my right nipple and we'll do it, and if return home tired from work, pull my left one, and we'll go to sleep. The husband suggests another idea: "every time you feel like having sex, pull my dick once. If you don't feel like it, pull my dick 100 times".
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A man loses his wallet at a posh restaurant. He stands up on the chair and declares that whoever finds his wallet, which contains $2000 will get a $50 reward". After a minute another voice is heard, "Whoever brings me his wallet will get a $500 reward".
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A blind man comes to a Passover Seder. He grabs a matzo in his hand, feels it, then stops the reader: "Hey, who wrote this gibberish?"
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A farmer gets up early in the morning and goes to milk the cow. He tries to milk her, but she kicks him straight in the balls. After the pain eases, he tie her leg to a Post, tries to milk her again and gets another kick. This time he's really angry and ties her second leg. But the story repeats itself until he ties all her legs. But then he has to take a leak, so he stands behind her and pulls out his dick, exactly when his wife walks in. Now go explain that's only a coincidence...
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Two religious guys are driving on a motorcycle, when a cop stops them. He says, all happy: "I just want you guys to know, that you are the first people I meet all day that are driving below the speed limit. Good for you!" "well, it's only cause God's with us!" they reply. "god?? So you mean to say you are three on one bike? Ooch..license please!"...
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I guy gets on the bus, but as he didn't feel well that day he can't help it and throws up on the driver. "Yaaak! Disgusting!" says the driver. "I'M disgusting? Says the guy. Look at how you look! If someone's disgusting that ain't me!"...
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A king asks the servants at his kingdom to think of an act they have done to him that apologizing for would be even harder than the act itself. So one morning, turns one of the servants to the queen and hits her in the ass. The king angrily responds: "what the hell are you doing???" so the servant says: "sorry, I thought that was you!"
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