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How is it, that when a married man gets his credit card stolen, he's not too worried? No matter what spending spree the thief begins, he'll never come close to what the wife spends ...
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A panhandler sees a well-dressed man talking on his cell phone, so he comes up to him and stretches his hand. The man looks at him and says, "Sorry, but I don't just hand out money on the street". The panhandler replies, "What do you want me to do, open an office?"
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Two buddies, Jorge and Ramon, who haven't met in years meet at the Ramon's house. Jorge, who has become rich, wants to brag to his old friend about it and says, "You have a very nice house, my friend, but in my place, if I get on my donkey at dawn in one side of the house, I can't make it to the other side by sundown". Ramon tells him, "Really? I had a donkey who walked so slow, and I sold it".
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A young man by the name of Lester goes to a soccer team's tryout. The coach asks him what can he do. Paul says he knows how to run toward the rival team's goal. "How does that help me? But what else can you do?" Speaking in a gay intonation and a little lisp, Lester says, "I can also pass the rival's offence players and their midfield". The coach shows interest and asks, "Well, what do you do then?" Lester says (lisp and all), "Then I pass the rival's defense, pass the goalie and I stand in front of an empty goal". The coach is now at the edge of his seat, "And what do you do then?" Lester says, "I kick the ball high above the goal frame!" The coach asks, "Why the hell above the frame?" Lester answers, "Cause I like to hear the crowd chanting, 'Lester the homo, Lester the homo".
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An Iranian is dying in bed with only a few more minutes to live when he smells the wonderful smells of delicious dishes. He calls his son, who asks him, "What is it dad?" The Iranian says, "Go and fetch me some food from your mother so I can have my last meal". The son leaves but returns in a moment and says, "Ma wouldn't give me any, she says it's for the wake".
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A Christian, a Muslim, and a Moroccan Jew visit Jerusalem for the first time and they all go to pray in the old city. The Christian suddenly hears a voice, "Whaaaaa, I'm a one-eyed ghost!" He's really frightened and runs away. The Muslim prays when he hears a thundering voice, "I'm a one-eyed ghoooooost!" and becomes so afraid that he take off immediately. In the meantime the Moroccan Jew is praying when he hears "I'm a one-eyed ghost!!" When hears that he yells back, "If you don't shut your mouth I'm going to poke out the eye you still have!"
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A guy goes to a doctor and tells him he has this problem but everybody keeps laughing at him. The doctor says, "Look I'm 55, I've seen every thing, I don't think there's any problem that I would laugh about". The guy is reluctant but finally says, "One of my balls is small and the other is big". The doc says "well let's see them". The guy opens his zipper when a huge ball hangs down and almost reaches the floor. The doctor looks at it, can't hold it, and starts laughing like crazy, rolling on the floor. The guy says, "See? Now I'm not going to show you the big one".
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A very attractive woman goes to a gynecologist and says she has some pains. The doc says he needs to take her temperature and asks her to take off her clothes, lie down, and spread her legs. She does it than yells, "Doctor, that's not my anus". The doc says, "I know, that's not the thermometer either!"
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Phil wants to hang a picture in his bedroom that will be just across from his bed so he could see it when he goes to bed. He drills in the wall when suddenly he hears horrible screams from the neighbor's side. Phil sends his son to see what happened. The kid comes back and says, "Dad, I have 2 things to tell you". The father says, "Well?" The son says, "You drilled right into the neighbor's ass through his dick". The father says, "Oh, God, what's the other thing?" "You broke ma's teeth".
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A wife gives her husband a frog for his birthday. The guy is surprised: "What the hell? A frog?!" The woman says, "Don't worry, baby, this is a special frog, try her tonight and see". That night the husband takes the frog to bed and in the middle of the night he wakes up. He feels that his dick is being sucked like he never felt and comes in 30 seconds. The blowjob fest goes on all night, and in the next morning, when the wife goes into the kitchen she sees her husband holding the frog in one hand and a cookbook in the other. The woman says, "Wasn't it good last night?" So the husband says, "I'm teaching the frog how to cook, 'cause you can go packing!"
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Two guys walk out of a bar completely wasted. After a while they find themselves in a big forest by mistake. Suddenly a lion shows up and starts chasing them. One climbs up on a tree, and the other runs around the tree. The one from above yells to his friend: "what are you doing?! It will catch you!!" but the drunk dude from the ground shouts back at him: "don't worry! I am already way ahead, in like, many rounds!"..
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Two guys are sitting in a bar, drinking and laughing, when one tells the other he has always dreamt of having a three-some. So his friend generously recommends: "so harry back home to your wife, you might be able to make it..."
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