| |
| |
| | | |
| |
|
A shrink shows up at the mental hospital to watch an act the crazy people organized. Then one goes on stage naked, saying he is a 20 Kilo bump. Following that a second one shows up naked, saying he is a 40 kilo bomb. After that a third one walks up naked, saying he is an atomic bomb. And then, before the shrink even begins to understand what's happening, all the crazy patients in the crowd start running away from the room. "why are you running?" He manages to ask one of them. "Haven't you seen how small the fuse was?"...
|
| |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| | | |
| |
|
A business man is sitting at a table at some restaurant noticing that this politician sitting at a table next to him, keeps calling the waiter, one to turn the air conditioner up, and once to lower it down. Back and forth. Finally the businessman goes to the waiter and says: "say, isn't this politician really driving you crazy?" "well I don't really mind", goes the waiter. "we don't really have air conditioner actually"...
|
| |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| | | |
| |
|
A cop catches a driver driving 250 miles an hour and gets ready to give him a report. "but, look, I have bodies and drugs in the back, and all you care about is the speed limit??" the guy says. After hearing that, the cop immediately calls for back up. Five more cops show up, and start searching the car, but no bodies or drugs are found. "what's going on?" asks him the chief. "I don't know what the hell that cop was telling you about. Bodies? Drug? Next thing he says, is that I was driving at 250 on the highway..."
|
| |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| | | |
| |
|
A Jewish guy is walking along a river when he sees a little kid drinking from the water. "Don't drink it! It's dangerous!" he yells. "shuu?" ('what', in Arabic) "ahh..nothing! Cheers!"...
|
| |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| | | |
| |
|
A drunkard drives his car into a tree. The cops ask him what happened. He replies that a cow was standing in the middle of the road. "So why didn't you run her down?" "Believe me, I tried, but it ran into the woods".
|
| |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| | | |
| |
|
An old man gets on a train, laughing hysterically, and sits down next to another old man. The laughing man says to his neighbor that he must tell him a great joke about Polacks, as it's really hilarious. The other man replies, "but I'm a Polack", so the laughing man assures him, "no problem, I'll tell it slower".
|
| |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| | | |
| |
|
An American, a Brit and a Polack are arrested for raping a very young girl and sentenced to death. They all get a choice: they could be put to death by hanging, a shot to the head, or lethal injection. The American and the Brit ask to be shot and die on the spot. The Polack asks for the injection. As he gets it he begins to crack up. The astonished executioners ask him why is he laughing. The Polack answers "I had on a condom".
|
| |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| | | |
| |
|
An infamous thief goes to a renowned psychiatrist and explains he has a problem: he has an urge to steal things and take whatever he sees. The professor prescribes him a medicine and tells him to return next week: "if the drug helps you - great. If not, could you get me a wide-screen, high-def TV set?"
|
| |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| | | |
| |
|
After years without sex a JAP is having sex with her husband. During the act she sees that he is sweating and is all thrilled, so she says to him, "you see there's something good in me?" "Yep", the husband answers, "and it's about to come out".
|
| |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| | | |
| |
|
The priest at a certain town set a rule with the local women: instead of telling him that they cheated on their husbands, they should tell they fell down the stairs. One day he had to leave town and a substitute replaced him. When the priest returned, the substitute tells him, "look, you must replace the stairs in this town, the women just keep falling down". The priest started laughing, but the sub said, "What are you laughing at? Your wife also fell twice".
|
| |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| | | |
| |
|
A cruise ship encounters a heavy storm. One of the passengers who can't swim falls into water and cries out for help. But many passengers are afraid of the huge waves and no one jumps in to rescue him. Finally, a brave guy jumps in, grabs the drowning man, holds on to a lifebuoy somebody threw at him, and saves the man. Afterward there's a party to celebrate the rescue, and the survivor gets the mic to say a couple of words. He says, "I'd like the one who pushed me to the water to stand up!"
|
| |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| | | |
| |
|
A group of travelers in Brazil come upon an Indian, who warns them from going swimming in the ocean, due to bad weather. They ignore him, but the ocean is rough that day and 2 travelers lose their lives. The next day the Indian warns them not to go trekking in the mountains, but again they ignore him, and a few them are killed because of the strong winds. The next morning they go to the Indian and ask him, "Oh, old and wise Indian, what shall happen today?" He answers that he doesn't know. "How come you don't know?" "My radio has broken".
|
| |
|
| |
|
|
|