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An Israeli travels in the US and while he's driving he sees a sign "Maximum 55". He slows down, then he sees a sign "Maximum 25". He's not sure what to do, but as police car just passed him by, so he slows down to 25. After some time there's another sign, "Maximum 10". The guy doesn't want to be caught speeding, he's abroad after all, so he slows down to 10. After a few minutes he see the sign, "Welcome to Maximum!"
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A drunkard and a cross-eyed bump into each other. The drunk tells him, "Why don't you look where you're going?" The cross-eyed answers, "Why don't you go where you're looking?"
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A salesman makes a bet with a bartender: he will pee into a glass placed on the other side of the counter. If even one drop falls outside the glass he'll pay the bartender $400. If he can pee only into the glass, the bartender will give him $100. The bartender agrees. The salesman pulls out his dick and pees all over the counter, the bottles, the register, and the bartender. The bartender laughs and the salesman gives him the money. Then the bartender asks him, "why did you do that, you idiot?" The salesman says, "not really. I made a bet with everyone at that table that if I'll pee all over the bar and you, I'll get $400 from each".
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Two Scotsmen are sitting in a bar. One of them says, "look at those two beautiful girls, they're making eyes at us". His friend looks at them and says, "you're right, let's go over there and hit on them". The first one stops him - hold on a minute. "What's the matter?" "First let them pay the bill".
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Bill Clinton is having lunch at a restaurant. After eating the soup, he calls the waiter and asks him, "What kind of soup is it? Yesterday the soup was much better". The waiter answers, "Gottcha you liar, it's the same soup from yesterday".
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Jesus his nailed up on the cross when he calls out to his disciple, "Peter, Peter, come quick". Peter comes running, but the Roman guards catch him and cut off his arm. Peter manages to break away from them, but then another guard cuts off his second arm. He breaks free but then caught again, losing a nose, an ear and a leg. When he finally makes it to the cross, limping and bleeding, Jesus tells him, "Hey, look, from here you can see your house".
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A Cuban returns home and finds his wife naked and between her legs lays the neighbor with his head on her breast. The Cuban shouts, "What are you doing" The neighbor explains to him that he can listen to the radio through her left boob. The husband puts his head on her tit and says, "I can't hear anything". The neighbor says, "Sure you can't, you're unplugged".
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Two friends whose houses were burglarized tell one another about the case. The first says, "I entered home at night and heard the robber, so I got into my wife's bedroom, but it was dark. You should have seen how my wife fought before I accidentally threw her out of the window. The other guy says, "Listen what I had: I got back home late and didn't even hear the burglar. I went to my wife's bedroom, and you should have seen how the burglar fought when I raped him on the bed".
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A 30-year-old man is killed in a car accident, and when he goes to heaven he's told that his good deeds and sins are tied, so he can choose either heaven or hell. The man demands to see both before he decides. They let him in heaven, he sees a few fully-clothed women walking around and a few weird-looking guys, so he thinks that's boring. After that he is let into hell, where he sees tons of gorgeous women walking around half naked. He chooses hell, goes to one of the girls, makes out with her, and then when he's all horny he tears off her underwear and is amazed to see no genitalia and no asshole. "What is THIS?" The girl replies, "Welcome to hell".
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Someone sees Bobby Brown in downtown LA, approaches him and says, "Bobby, I'm your greatest fan. All day I hear your music, I bought your latest disc". Brown says, "Oh, it was you?"
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two couples, one British, one Israeli, go out together to eat in a fancy restaurant. "honey, can you pass me the honey?" the British guy turns to his wife. "what's with the steak you cow!" the Israeli turns to his wife as well...
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An Arab, a Christian, a Muslim, a Jewish guy,a Russian, a Georgian, an Ethiopian and a Kurd go on a plane. After a short while the the Kurd gets up and yells: "hey, aren't we too many people for one joke?!?"...
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