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As a man goes into a bar, he's almost crying with laughter. He sits next to a blond waitress and asks her if she wants to hear a great blonde joke. The waitress says, "Sir, Apart from me there are 3 blonde waitresses here, and our shift manager is also blonde. Are you sure you want tell such a joke here?" He looks around and answers, "No, I don't have the energy to tell it 5 times".
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The Los Angeles Lakers are playing against the San Antonio Spurs. Kobe Bryant tells his teammates, "take the day off, I'm going to take this game alone". He goes to the game while his teammates are watching the game at a bar. They see the Lakers lead 28-16, then 42-26, and by the end of the third quarter the Lakers are leading 78-60. At the beginning of the fourth quarter there's a power outage, so the teammates don't know the score. When power resumes they see the Lakers won by only 3 points. They ask Kobe what happened so he tells them, "What do you want, I had to go and get something to drink".
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A woman goes on a bus with 2 little children. The bus driver asks her, "Are they twins" She says, "No, Why do you ask?" The driver answers, "I simply can't believe someone fucked you twice!"
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A nun goes to heaven and as she faces God she says, "Please forgive me for my sins because I had sex twice". God says, "But you only had sex once". The nun answers, "Wait, what's the rush?"
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A sprout is sitting on the window's ledge, after the doctors operated him. His wife, a tomato, asks the doctors all worried if he's going to recover. The doctor says, "We managed to save him, but he'll remain a vegetable".
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An English teacher is teaching an eighth-grade class when suddenly Bobby shouts, "Excuse me, ma'am, I just saw your underwear!" The teacher is furious and tells him, "Get out and come back only with a parents' note". After 2 minutes another kid raises his hand and cries out, "Ms. Jones, I also saw your underwear!" The teacher says, "Get out and come back in a month". Suddenly Jimmy starts walking out. The teacher asks him, "Where do you think you're going?" Jimmy answers, "By what I saw, I have a whole year vacation".
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A Hasidic rabbi teaches Torah to his students and says they have already reached adulthood, and they need to know a few things before they continue their studies. He explains to them, "a wife and a pearl: a wife you thread through one hole, a pearl through two holes". One of the students raises his hand and says, "but I thread my wife through two holes". The rabbi gets up and roars, "You have a wife? A pearl you have!"
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A tribe of cannibals decides to move to Manhattan and manages to get jobs at a big corporation. The CEO knows their cannibals, so he warns them: "You have great benefits here, high wages, bonuses, whatever you'd like. But I demand that you don't eat anyone". The tribe's leader agrees and shakes his hand. 3 months later, the CEO summons all the tribesmen to an important meeting, saying "You're all working great, I'm very pleased with you. I just wanted to ask has anyone seen the office cleaner?" The leader promises him to go to the bottom of it and come up with an answer in a few days. After the CEO leaves the chief irately turns to his men and asks, "Who did it?" One of them come clean and takes the blame. The chief tells him, "We're working here for 3 months now, we've eaten consultants, marketing managers and sales agents, and no one noticed. Why the hell did you have to eat the cleaner?"
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Two buddies meet and one of them tells his friend that recently he is suffering from chronic headaches, and asks him if there's a physician he can recommend. The friend says, "Yes, Dr. Greenberg, he once even saved my life". The first guy asks how, and his friends says, "Once I felt bad so I went to see a doctor and he gave me pills and ointment to smear on my forehead, but those gave me a rash, scabies, dizziness, and bad headaches. Then I went to another doctor and he prescribed me some tablets, but I began to faint and lose consciousness, and got injuries from falling. Then I went to Dr. Greenberg: I got there crawling, dizzy, my head bursting, and I was about to faint. I thought I was going to die, but fortunately, when I got to Dr. Greenberg he wasn't home, so my life was saved".
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A magician is working on a ship and performs magic for the passengers. The captain's parrot used to follow the show and he gradually began to understand how some of the magic tricks are working. The Parrot began telling passengers how the magician performed this and that magic and the embarrassed magician had to come up with new tricks. But he began running out of new tricks that the parrot doesn't know. He was angry with the parrot who's ruining his act and ask the captain to take him away, but the captain wouldn't hear of it. One day there was a very strong storm and the ship sank in the ocean. Only the magician made it to a lifeboat, but the parrot also managed to save himself, got to the same boat and sat next to the magician. They sat without speaking for 2-3 days, just staring at one another. On the fourth day the parrot says, "OK, I give up! Tell me, what have you done with the ship?"
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A young and very attractive woman comes up to the bartender and asks him to call the manager. He says the manger is busy, but she doesn't give up, she caresses his face and head, sits on his lap, and puts two fingers in his mouth. As the bartender is vigorously licking her fingers and gets horny, she gets up and says, "When you'll see your boss, tell him that the ladies' room has no toilet paper and no soap!"
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Three old geezers in an old people's home are arguing whose hands are shakier. The first says he can't shave because he slashes his own face. The second says, "When I cut flowers, I accidentally take off everything". The third says, "My hands shake so bad that when I go to pee I come 3 times".
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