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A kid who sees his parents' wedding film asks his mother why she wore a white dress. She says, "Because it was the happiest day of my life". The kid asks, "So why dad wore black?"
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A child comes to school crying his eyes out. His teacher asks him why is he crying. The kid says his father slipped over a banana peel. The teacher wonders, "But why are you crying, that's actually funny!" The kid answers, "At first I thought so too".
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A Christian, a Muslim, and a Jew are having a stupid argument. The Christian says "I have 4 women waiting for me at home, one more and I could have had a basketball team". The Muslim says, "I have 10 women at home, one more and I could have had a soccer team". The Jew says, "I have 17 women at home, one more and I could have had a golf course".
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A woman goes to a fortuneteller and returns home embittered. The hubby asks her why is she so bitter. The woman tells him she visited a fortuneteller and she told her that her husband would cheat on her with a thin, attractive woman. The hubby asks, "Did she happen to mention the woman's phone number?"
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Two golfers are playing for money. One of them stands in front of the tee for half an hour aiming his golf club. His friend says, "Why it takes you so long to hit?" The first says, "Don't interrupt me now, my wife is watching me from that hill over there". His friend answers, "You don't need to prepare so much. There's no way in hell you can hit her from here!"
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A guy goes to a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for a packet of condoms. She asks him what size he is, but he doesn't know. She suggests, "Come up here and I'll check it". She pulls out his penis, grabs it in her hand, feels it, then says on the public announcement system, "Rebecca, get me a packet of condoms size small", and as she continues to feel it, she says, "Rebecca, make it medium size", and 2 seconds later, "get me the large size ... forget it, bring some paper towels instead".
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An Indian kid in Punjab wants to impress his dad with something smart he has done, so he tells him, "Daddy, instead of taking the bus today, I ran after it to school so I saved 20 rupees. The father isn't impressed: "You idiot! Had you run after a taxi you would have saved 100 rupees".
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A Russian wants to join the KGB. The admission test is to drink 10 bottles of vodka, kill a bear and fuck 20 women. The test takes place in 3 halls: in one there's the booze, in the second the bear, and in the third the women. The Russian enters the first hall, drinks 10 bottles of vodka and becomes completely drunk, then he enters the bear's hall. Some weird howling is coming out of there, and after 5 minutes the Russian comes out and asks, "Now where are the 20 women I should kill?"
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Following a tip that the residents are away, a burglar breaks into a house, and as he's emptying the place and opening drawers. Unexpectedly he hears a voice behind him, "Achilles and Agamemnon are watching you! Achilles and Agamemnon are watching you!" The burglar is startled, turns around, and sees a talking parrot. The thief continues to empty the drawers and the parrot continues to talk. Finally, the burglar decides to befriend the parrot and asks him, "What's your name, you nice parrot?" The parrot says "Bebop". The burglar says that's a strange name for a parrot. The parrot says, "That's a strange name? Aren't Achilles and Agamemnon weird names for the two Rottweilers that are standing behind you?"
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Sal goes into a bar and asks the bartender if they need a bouncer. The bartender says, "Maybe, but do you even have what it takes?" Sal doesn't think twice, he grabs one of the guys next to the counter and fucks him up real bad. Then he says to the bartender, "Well, did I get the job?" The bartender says, "Don't know, let's wait for the boss to recover from the beating".
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A 6'7" feet tall man, with a scary face and bulging muscles walks into a bar, goes to the barman and says, "Get me a beer, or..." The frightened barman gives him a beer, and the bully walks out without paying. The next day he does the same and also a day later, and so on until the barman had enough. When the bully enters the next day and says "Get me a beer or...", the barman says, "Or what?" So the bully says, "Or coke, or orange juice, whatever you've got".
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The Pope is visiting Oklahoma and rides in a huge limo. At some point the Pope asks the chauffeur to let him drive the car, because he never gets to do it. They switch and continue driving. But soon afterward a highway patrol pulls over the limo for going 80mph where only 55mph is allowed. The Pope rolls down the window and the cop asks them to hold on as he goes to call his superior. He says "Chief, I think I have a problem, I pulled over someone really important, what to do?" The chief asks, "Who did you stop, the mayor?" The cop says "no, I think he is much more important". The chief asks "Is it the governor?" And again the cop says, "no, no, he's much more important". The chief wonders, "Why do you think he's so goddamn important?" The cop says, "I can't recognize him, but the Pope is his driver!"
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