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Dan is walking down the street, when he bumps into his friend George all covered in scratches. He ask him all worried: "what happened to you?" George replied: "today I berried my mother-in-low". "I'm so sorry, but..where did all the scratches come from?" "She resisted a little..." George answers.
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An old lady arrives to a new senior citizens' home. After sitting down for a while, she starts to lean onto the right a bit. So the staff give put a pillow on her right side. Then, she starts to lean to the left side, and the put another pillow to assist her on that direction too. After half an hour her son calls to check up on her: "so how is your new home, mother?" he asks. "nice..only, they won't let me fart in here!"
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A good decent man dies and gets sent to hell. Over there he sees people dancing, great music, sex all over, drink, a true party. But he still doesn't get why he arrived to hell and when the angels check, they realize it was a mistake and they deliver him straight to heaven. Only in heaven he sees only two man, sitting all bored, staring at each other. "I don't understand! How come hell is so great and happening and here it sucks?" he screams for the Lord to hear. "what, you really think that for two-three men I will bring a Dj??" God answers back...
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Jack returns home from war without his right arm that he lost in battle. He feels really bad and after a few days he decides to commit suicide. As he goes on the rooftop of a 20-story building, he sees a man with no arms dancing and jumping up and down. All puzzled, Jack asks him "how come you're so happy and jumping around while I want to kill myself?" The man answer, "Who's happy? A bee just stung me in the ass".
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A man loses his wallet at a posh restaurant. He stands up on the chair and declares that whoever finds his wallet, which contains $2000 will get a $50 reward". After a minute another voice is heard, "Whoever brings me his wallet will get a $500 reward".
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A blind man comes to a Passover Seder. He grabs a matzo in his hand, feels it, then stops the reader: "Hey, who wrote this gibberish?"
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Two religious guys are driving on a motorcycle, when a cop stops them. He says, all happy: "I just want you guys to know, that you are the first people I meet all day that are driving below the speed limit. Good for you!" "well, it's only cause God's with us!" they reply. "god?? So you mean to say you are three on one bike? Ooch..license please!"...
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I guy gets on the bus, but as he didn't feel well that day he can't help it and throws up on the driver. "Yaaak! Disgusting!" says the driver. "I'M disgusting? Says the guy. Look at how you look! If someone's disgusting that ain't me!"...
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A king asks the servants at his kingdom to think of an act they have done to him that apologizing for would be even harder than the act itself. So one morning, turns one of the servants to the queen and hits her in the ass. The king angrily responds: "what the hell are you doing???" so the servant says: "sorry, I thought that was you!"
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How is it, that when a married man gets his credit card stolen, he's not too worried? No matter what spending spree the thief begins, he'll never come close to what the wife spends ...
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Two buddies, Jorge and Ramon, who haven't met in years meet at the Ramon's house. Jorge, who has become rich, wants to brag to his old friend about it and says, "You have a very nice house, my friend, but in my place, if I get on my donkey at dawn in one side of the house, I can't make it to the other side by sundown". Ramon tells him, "Really? I had a donkey who walked so slow, and I sold it".
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A young man by the name of Lester goes to a soccer team's tryout. The coach asks him what can he do. Paul says he knows how to run toward the rival team's goal. "How does that help me? But what else can you do?" Speaking in a gay intonation and a little lisp, Lester says, "I can also pass the rival's offence players and their midfield". The coach shows interest and asks, "Well, what do you do then?" Lester says (lisp and all), "Then I pass the rival's defense, pass the goalie and I stand in front of an empty goal". The coach is now at the edge of his seat, "And what do you do then?" Lester says, "I kick the ball high above the goal frame!" The coach asks, "Why the hell above the frame?" Lester answers, "Cause I like to hear the crowd chanting, 'Lester the homo, Lester the homo".
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