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A farmer faced a problem: he had this beautiful cow that he wanted to take to a beauty contest, only she was cross-eyed. But then he heard of a way to treat it: you need to stick a pipe into the cow's ass, and blow real hard. After three days of doing that the cow's eyes move apart. So on day one he does like he was told. Day two, he does the same thing. Only day three he gets tired of blowing, so he asks his assistant to do that for him. Only before doing that, the assistant does a strange thing and turns the pipe around before blowing. "why did you do that for?" the farmer asks. "I don't like to do move things from mouth to mouth"...
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A beautiful woman is sitting in a train and a young man takes a seat next to her. He notices that she keeps twitching her face. He asks her what's wrong. The beauty answers that she has a bad toothache. The man kisses her on the cheek, saying, "I'm a doctor, that was a special kiss, it will heal your pain". Not even a minute later, an old lady from behind asks him, "I have hemorrhoids up my ass, could you help me?"
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A young and very attractive woman comes up to the bartender and asks him to call the manager. He says the manger is busy, but she doesn't give up, she caresses his face and head, sits on his lap, and puts two fingers in his mouth. As the bartender is vigorously licking her fingers and gets horny, she gets up and says, "When you'll see your boss, tell him that the ladies' room has no toilet paper and no soap!"
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A politician who's dining at a stylish restaurant wants to brag and asks the waiter to bring him a 150-year-old bottle of wine. The waiter brings the wine, the politician tastes it and says, "no, it's only 140-year-old wine", go get the right one. The waiter brings another bottle. The politician tastes and "no, this only 143 year old, bring me another wine". The waiter gets mad, goes to the kitchen, takes an empty bottle and pees in it. He brings it to the politician who says, "phew, that's pee!" The waiter says, "That's right, now guess how old am I?"
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A woman is driving on the freeway, makes a mistake and crashes into a guy's car at high speed. Both cars are totally wrecked and both drivers get out of them and lie by the side of the road. The woman says to the guy, "Look how lucky we are: both our cars are total loss and we're alive, it's probably a sign from heaven that you and I should live like lovers all our lives, that's fate". The guy looks at her and as she's very attractive, he agrees to what she said. She brings a bottle of wine, hands it to him and says, "Let's celebrate this occasion". He drinks nearly half, and then returns her the bottle, but she corks the bottle and puts it back in the car. He asks, "Aren't you going to drink, too?" She answers, "No, you drunk, I'll just wait for the police!"
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Two vampires are sitting and talking in a vampire bar. One of them orders two glasses of blood, while the other orders a glass of water. The first vampire and the bartender ask him, "Why water?" The vampire takes a tampon out of his pocket and says, "can't I drink tea anymore?"
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Dozens of flies are gathering around dog shit and start eating, when one of them farts. "what is it?" The rest ask. "can't you see we're eating here??"
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A GI has an upset stomach so goes to an army doctor and complains that he has constant diarrhea. Because of all the mess it causes, he asks the doc if he could take a bath. The doc answers, "Sure, if you have enough fluid".
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A biology teacher goes into class at 11:30 AM to show the students how to dissect a frog. He tells the student that today they'll see how to do it. As he opens up his briefcase, he sees inside only an omelet sandwich and no frog. He mumbles, "That's weird, I thought I already my sandwich at 10".
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Mother vampire is making dinner for her little daughter, when the daughter pulls out a blood-soaked tampon from the trashcan. Her mother yells at her, "What are you doing? Didn't I say no snacks before dinner?"
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A kid is playing with a ball outside a guido's house. The guido goes out and tells him to stop playing because it makes noise and he's trying to sleep. The kid continues playing, the guido comes out again and threatens to give him a black eye if he doesn't stop. The kid plays on, so the guido comes out and blackens his eye. The kid continues to play so the guido gives him a second black eye. Suddenly the kid stopped playing and is about to leave. The guido says, "you've learned your lesson, ha?" The kid says, "No, my mother said it's getting late and I should be getting back home".
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Two piles of diarrhea are laying next to each other when they see normal feces coming. So one of them yells at him "hey you, what, are you playing it tough?"...
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